Trisecting the Desi Cop

Every writer who sets out into the great field of literature with the hope of making it big needs to remember a sacred principle before starting a story. Grip the audience by the collarbone within a few lines, and provide fodder for thought at the very inception. It is in this quest, that I endeavour to put forth an incident.

Folks, I urge you to close your eyes and visualize it as I narrate. You are driving in one of the arterial roads of a metropolitan city. You are proceeding to catch a movie in a theater that is located on the opposite side of the road, so you approach the next major gap on the divider to take a U-turn and thanks to lesser traffic on the other side you seamlessly mingle into the stream of cars and motorcycles and start weaning towards the side as the theater is approximately 200 meters away on the left. 

You are all set now! A movie with your close buddies on this breezy Sunday October evening is the perfect way to relax after a brutally exhausting week at work. And just as you start to contemplate where you could head for dinner to cap off the week on a memorable note, spanners are suddenly flung into the works and you are brutally shaken up from your reverie. A pot-bellied creature in a white shirt and Khakhi coloured trousers which was lurking somewhere on the side of the road has metamorphosized from a stupefied form into a living image of a serotonin induced athlete who is about to break an unbelievable world record defying all laws of physics. The creature jumps onto the middle of the road in front of your car in a rather simian fashion thus throwing the traffic out of gear for the nonce and forcing you to bring the car to a screeching halt. An auto driver tailing just behind comes within a toucher of banging against your car, but skillfully evades just in the nick of time. In a cathartic release of emotions, a moment of lalochezia for which he has been waiting all day, he spews forth a venomous stream of the choicest Chennai Tamil abuse words, as he passes by. Before you even know what’s happening and attempt a recovery from this rattling set of disruptions, you are pulled over to the side of the road.

Yes I had just been caught by the Chennai Traffic Police for what was deemed as an offence of taking a U-turn at point where I was not supposed to. I tried arguing that I have come to Devi theater (my venue for the movie) in Anna Salai, perhaps a 127 times in my life and I have always taken the U-turn mentioned aforesaid and even if there was purportedly a change in traffic rules (which the Chennai Traffic Police keeps changing as frequently as RBI changes its policies on demonetization that was recently instituted), there ought to have been a board or some sort of ruddy signage clearly stating that taking a U-turn is not allowed. The cop saw a point in my arguments, but with his keen observation skills, honed by years of experience, gauged from my countenance that I was in a hurry, which was true for the movie was slated to start in 5 minutes. And he also sensed, by my attire that here is a boy who is from a well off family and would certainly go the extra mile to oblige a couple of quid to let him go. After all in India, bribery is a tool the rich use so efficiently to get away with any mistake (or no mistake in my case). And true to his predicament partly and partly me being not one who likes to fritter away eloquence at such a frantic juncture, I asked him ‘Now what is it that you want’. I am sure the words would have trickled like music into his hairy ears, for I had said the thing which he exactly wanted to hear. Sporting a mischevious grin he said ‘Paathu edhavadhu pannu ba’ which literally translates to ‘Please see if you can do something’, however metaphorically indicates ‘You are in deep shit if you don’t give me money’. I disgustingly took out my wallet, whipped out a hundred rupee note and thrust it into his palm. What followed was a picture of pathetic servility that is not uncommon to be taken to the lowest common denominator in Tamilnadu. In short – ‘A salute’. The hand movement that has become almost a voluntary limb action, commanded by the grey cells of his medulla oblongata to move to the forehead to execute a salute followed by the words ‘Rombha Nandri baa’.

I nestled back into my seat once again and proceeded to the theater, cursing the cop, and thinking that it was no wonder due to such obnoxious behaviour that cops in Tamilnadu have been bestowed upon them the epithet ‘Mama’ which translates to Pimp in colloquial jargon. The cop on his part in all probability trotted away happily to the nearest TASMAC (The Government run enterprise that supplies the Tamil millions with the daily joy of life), with perfect satisfaction that his Quarter and Biriyani for the night had been taken care of.

This is just one such tryst I have had with the cops, and I am pretty sure all of us would have had in our lifetime dealt with situations involving the gendarmerie in varying degrees of severity. After undergoing experiences and hearing stories from others, ranging from downright hilarious incidents to nightmarish and torrid tales, I think I am qualified enough to declare that every cop in our country will broadly fall into one of these 3 categories – The Good, The Bad and The Ugly.

 

The good cop is essentially the one who deserves to be called a cop. Typically policemen who have come into the position by sheer virtue of their hard work, either having cleared IPS examination or having scaled arduously through the ranks, with the single notion of serving the society. He/She would go to all lengths to ensure that law and order is maintained, ensure his subordinates are sincere and non-corrupt and typically commands respect and by word of mouth a sincere police officer who is powerful but at the same time ensures that this power is not abused.

The bad cop is one whom the typical Indian laments about but doesn’t have the power to stand up against. The average citizen know that for their entire lifetime, cringing and lamenting is all they can do but are hopelessly aware of the fact that they can’t do much against this wicked hand of law and order. This is the type of cop who you almost see in every 2 out of 3 Indian action movies – The ACP who is hands in glove with the top politician of the city in all the murky business dealings, the Inspector who through his criminal connections will finish off a honest citizen who gets on his bad books, the DSP who will in the name of police interrogation carry out a shockingly inhumane and brutal treatment of suspects and probably kill them if he smells an monetary opportunity and book it as an encounter killing, as we saw in the critically acclaimed award winning movie ‘Visaranai’. This is the kind of police who will probably rape a woman who has come to the station to lodge a complaint of rape. To sum it up, one loses hope for humanity when one comes across in such incidents either on the newspaper, television or social media.

The 3^rd type who I brand as ugly is the one interests me the most - The ugly cop, who is always a symbol of mystery and puzzlement. This is where I would focus majority of my attention upon because he/she is the cop you come across in daily life. Just like we say boy-next-door it would be not be a mistake in assuming this one is the cop-next-street. The cop in the incident I narrated above at the start of my narrative would probably fall in this category. He or she is the daily cop you meet on the road, who relies on petty bribes and kickbacks from local shop owners, establishments, hapless drivers on the road, etc. to supplement his meagre income, but in most cases has a heart of gold. He is the kind of cop, who might for no virtual reason stop an unsuspecting motorist at a traffic signal towards the fag end of the month when he realizes he is at the end of his shoe string budget and converts him into a Bakra who will provide his fodder for a couple of days before the monthly salary is credited. 

But at the same time he is the sleepless guardian of peace. The very same familiar face in the same ugly looking uniform who stands on the road 365 days a year rain, shine or snow to direct the traffic, who sacrifices his own safety during the floods and storms to ensure that things are brought under control and who by and large believes in the goodness of humanity and tries his level best to live a life to exemplify the same. But at the same time is well aware of the fact that he is destined to be an average earning government servant all his life. So he consoles himself that now and then bending the rules to oblige a favour is well within his right, as Indians are used to this.

One more amusing anecdote to regale you. Pardon me for again involving the traffic constabulary, but since I have more or less been a law abiding chap, there have not been many other situations where the strong arm of law has had the opportunity to clasp me within its fold and exclaim with glee 'So who do we got here today!'. But on the road, every, and mark the word every, single person, male/female, student/employee, married/unmarried, is vulnerable to the putrid behavior of cops on the prowl and yours truly is no exception to that.

Recently I was hauled up in Hyderabad by a traffic cop for not having my sunscreen removed from the window pane, which as per a recent law by the Supreme Court had to be removed from all car windows. As such I have no objection with the new law for it is indeed a matter of fact that nowadays cars in their opaqueness have become rather convenient platforms to conduct with ease, crimes carnal in nature. But casting one look at the cop’s dial I knew his brain was already working overtime to spin a money churning scheme. To my surprise at first, he started preaching how it was extremely important for men like me who are the next face of shining India to follow the traffic law and set an example to the younger generation. The statement partly irked me as it indirectly meant I was already over the bar and had long expired my membership to the younger generation’s club, me being one who doesn’t wake up a single day not wishing I could reverse the clock to going and becoming younger! But I let it pass, because I was mighty impressed to see here was a principled cop who instead of straight away getting into brass tacks, took the more unconventional approach of donning the garb of a preacher to share a few pearls of wisdom. He spoke impressively on responsibilities as dutiful citizens, especially on the road and all that rot. But it was his gag on why it was youth like me on whom the onus lied upon to fulfill Abdul Kalam’s dream of making India a developed nation by 2020 that made me his fan immediately. I was stirred to the depths. Moved. Never before in my 20 years of Student life had I listened to any teacher with such rapt attention like the way I was drinking it all in from this horse’s mouth!!

It was indeed a thousand pities that what followed a few sentences later made me want to kick him even harder in the solar plexus. We were making pretty decent progress in the Teacher-Disciple session and I was nearly on the verge of accepting him as my philosopher and Guru when the cop pulled me suddenly over aside and told me that we could stop all this unnecessary discussion and easily settle the matter between ourselves. The simple arrangement was to just give him 200 bucks and he would leave me alone. The glass of respect fell down and broke into a thousand shattered pieces.

Phew... I mean I knew it was bound to happen and where it would all eventually lead to. But I dint expect it to happen without a flow or class! I mean consider this, when the clergyman is preaching his head off from the Book of Psalms and how prayer to Christ alone and nothing else is the way to attain salvation, with the mesmerized church-going audience nearly in his pocket, he simply doesn’t call it quits suddenly and the next second stripping the contents of their wallets for the church donations! There is simply no segue in the proceedings. But that’s India. At the end of the day it all boils down to MONEY, which like it or not undoubtedly proves itself time and again as the ultimate remedy for all troubles.